by: Chandra Moyer

Healing is not linear. It’s a roller coaster pattern. You process things cyclical, and each time it comes around, you peel back another layer.

Another phase surfaced in my life this year. One night after reading Isaiah 43:19, I fell asleep and dreamed.

I was waiting for a baby to be born, but there was a problem. I went to find the nurse to check on the baby. "The baby's going to be fine,” she smiled. “It's going to live, but he's not going to make it." She meant my dad.

"I'd like to see him," I said. "I'm ready now." I opened the door and walked into the dimly lit room. I saw a small figure lying in bed, sat down next to him, then slipped my hand in his. "I forgive you, Dad," I whispered. I felt a release as I let out a bitter sob.

I awoke with my chest vibrating then slipped out of bed and walked to the bathroom where I could release the sobs. "I let it all go,” I gasped. “I forgive you, Dad."

I had a meltdown in my mid-thirties triggered by a tragic loss. The trauma awakened memories of sexual abuse. Diagnosed with PTSD, the recovered memories revealed a horrific secret. My father sexually abused me starting when I was a toddler and continued through my teen years.

Remembering hidden incest rocks your foundation—the core of who you are. The life you thought you lived, you didn't, and the person you thought you were, you aren't. The denial begins to disintegrate slowly, leaving you unsure of what's true.

If you're a survivor of sexual abuse or assault, I'm so sorry. You need to know it's not your fault.

I chose to forgive my dad years ago. Yet, the manifestation of release didn't come until now, 28 years later. A transaction happened, and something was dislodged. That's a miracle in my book. Who knows why it took so long?

If you've struggled to forgive someone who deeply hurt you, it's ok. I want you to extend grace to yourself and know that God does not love you any less.

God knows what you're going through in your healing. Be kind and gentle with yourself. In His timing, that miracle will come. Take one brave step at a time in your journey and know you are becoming whole.